Intrigue

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Let's say you've got your eye on some guy and he seems to like you generally, but you can't quite grasp his attention.  Or maybe he's shown some interest, kinda vague, more like gentle curiosity, and you want to hook that!  Build intrigue!

This is a lot easier than you might think.  You don't need bangs in front of your eyes or a lot of black in your wardrobe.  You just need to let on that you have stories to tell.  What?!  You think you don't?  Well, take a minute.  What are the sorts of things you find intriguing from your friends or from people you have crushed on?  Usually they are pretty standard.  "I was born _____" or "I broke this bone doing this" or even "I almost peed myself when I saw a grizzly on a hike."

A statement about what your passionate about is a great way to bring some interest your way.  You into fitness?  Casually mention how you had a great workout the other day and love feeling strong.  That's a great one because guys love a strong, capable woman who takes care of her body, just like we tend to respect men who take care of their bodies.  Or maybe you're passionate about food.  "Everyone likes food, so say something about your experience in food, whether it is cooking or dining out.

Just showing that you are real, human, and have preferences, makes the guy want to know more.  Not only to see what other stories are hiding in there, but also to potentially get a bit of information for his benefit about those subjects.  Or maybe store them away so he can use them to make you happy in the future?  Or maybe he likes a challenge and wants to argue with you.  Show him what you know with a friendly, non judgmental, debate.  He'll respect your passion and that you are informed about it!

Best intrigue topic:  Your dreams!  Whether you believe you'll ever accomplish them or not, talk about them.  A quick mention of what you wish you would have for your future will spark interest in almost anybody.  Once he hears it, give him some eye contact.  Ask what his dream is.  Everyone has a dream.  And people feel more connected to others when they share it.

We all like telling and listening to stories, especially about subjects that we find intriguing.  Sex, food, adventures, relationships (not the 'talk about your ex all day' sort), and dreams are all things people like to hear about because they like to think about them and therefore talk about them.

Do it.  See what happens!

It's Not Always You

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Sometimes it is.  But usually it's not.  So, what about when he's grumpy, or quiet, or, god-forbid, not communicating openly about why he's been preoccupied?  Often our first reaction is to assume it is something we are doing, or have done.  Is he irritated by me?  Have we been spending too much time together?  Did I become less attractive in some way?  Is he questioning our relationship?  See how you're thinking so much about yourself?  Yah, so is he.  Thinking about himself.  Not about you.  People tend to be self-centered.  Take that into account.

Now, this whole charade can happen whether you're in an official relationship or still courting.  You're still waiting for me to go on about what you should do right?  Well, obviously, it depends on the guy, but it is most probably not about you!  As long as you are a generally respectful partner with her own life, then more often than not, he is thinking about some other stuff hanging over his head.  His car problems?  His kid from a past relation?  His schooling?  His work?  NEVER jump to the conclusion that it is you first.

Give him his space if that's what he needs, and go about your life WITHOUT obsessing!  We women love to break down social interactions to the minuscule details, get all bent out of shape, and start ultra-focusing on the issue at hand, when it would be more beneficial for both parties if, after polite inquiry about the state of the other, we went about our lives.  After extending a compassionate gesture, it is his responsibility to open up and discuss if he so chooses.  You cannot force him.

And he may not even know what the problem is.  Often, this is a generalization, men are not as quick about being able to pin point why they feel a certain way compared to women.  There are a million and one explanations for this ranging from physiological to cultural, so just be patient.

If he seems down for a prolonged period of time, think months, then it could be more serious like depression and a more direct confrontation showing that you are there to help would be the appropriate next step.  But, talking about the less intense hang-up, chill, go about your life.  If it is about you and he sees you living and being independent he may well realize how much he appreciates that you have your own life and decide to work things out instead of dwelling.  And if it's not, well, you kept yourself from feeling a lot of unnecessary stress.  He'll talk when he's ready, or finally figured it out.  It is his responsibility to communicate.  You can't read his mind.

Do you!  Because it's probably not about you!

It's All In The Eyes

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I'm going to be cliche here and REMIND you that the eyes are the windows to the soul.  They are also a HUGE part of communication.  You can say more with your eyes than you can with a well written poem.  I mean, you can undress people with your eyes!  That's pretty powerful stuff.  So, it makes sense, you can hook pretty much anyone with the right eye contact.  It's all about projecting intention.  The eyes will do the rest of the talking on your behalf and much more eloquently than you could ever dream to.

There are 2 little branches of thought regarding lack of eye contact.  I know, when you're attracted to a guy, sometimes it is difficult to maintain eye contact without breaking out in a blush that will surely give you away.  Guys like that blush, if they notice it at all.  A lot of guys will think you're not interested in them if you don't make eye contact or that you're disgusted or bored by them.  I have found this to be true of the more insecure guys.  The more secure guys will think that you're just shy and modest.  I have yet to find a negative aspect of actually making eye contact and holding it.

Let's be clear here.  We're not talking about staring him down.  We're talking about maintaining eye contact just a little bit longer than necessary.  A little bit longer than you would a friend or acquaintance.  This short addition of locking eyes will trigger something akin to intrigue on his side, and now, you've essentially planted a seed of interest.  If he's an exceptionally aware person he'll notice that the eye contact was held, but most are not, and he will simply feel attracted without necessarily knowing why.  A lot of times this is all you have to do to get the guy to make the first move.  Sometimes you have to do a bit more, but this makes him feel things on his side without necessarily knowing that you're interested too.  It's a great start and a good foundation to allow the idea of a romantic relationship with you to grow in his mind of its own accord.

So, go out there are look at someone for a while!

THINK ABOUT IT!

“Decide what you want. Believe you can have it. Believe you deserve it and believe it's possible for you....Then go into your day and release it to the Universe and trust that the Universe will figure out how to manifest it.”

— Jack Canfield

Have a Plan

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Sorry for the long delay in blog posts.  I've started this marvelous new job and it is taking away all of my attention from you lovely people!  Saving money to move!

Today we're talking about having direction, a plan, seeming capable at living your life.  Some ladies (girls, women, whateves), think, for some strange reason, that they should seem helpless and dependent in order to gain the attention of men.  Ok, I know why, it isn't really all that strange of a reason actually.  Women are trained from the ripe age of birth to be a tad dependent.  And have you seen any movies recently?  Any love stories?  So what's going on?  The woman realizes that she NEEDS the man and that's that.  Often she can't even have a full life until she has that guy.  So, the funny thing here, on How to Hook a Guy, is that you should at least seem like you have a plan for yourself.  I highly recommend actually having one though.  The fastest way to lose a guy is to be dishonest.

So what's your plan for yourself?  Your dreams, aspirations, and how are you going to achieve them?  Having a dream or hope for your future is just as attractive to a guy as it is to an interviewer at a new job.  No, this isn't a career blog or an inspirational self-help sorta deal.  Kinda deep, kinda not.  In the end, underneath all the crap, we know what makes us happy and what we really want to do.  It can be as simple as "have kids" or "open your own hotel" or even "live in a warm green place and learn 5 languages."  Doesn't matter.  Want to be a painter.  Have that, show that, and be proud. That's so attractive to a guy.

If he knows you have your own life and he isn't going to be the beginning and end to your identity then he'll be very interested in eyeing you as more than just a potential plaything.  There's nothing wrong with a little playing, of course, but this is about HOOKING the guy.  Keeping him around of his own accord.  Being more in love with you.  That sort of thing.

Make plans for yourself.  Don't always change them in order to see him or spend time with him.  If he knows you have your own stuff going on then he'll be more intrigued at this independent creature.  Now he has to fight for your time.  Nothing is more enticing than that which is hard to attain.  I'm NOT a believer in playing hard to get to the point of ignoring the guy.  But don't compromise your life and you "stuff."  You have a life, so live it.  He'll want to be involved in it too when he knows your time is valuable to you for your dreams and your plans for yourself.

You're awesome.  You do things you love.  You can do him too, along with the other stuff you love to do!

Everything is Temporary

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I know, some of you are waiting for the juicy stuff right?  We're getting there.  This is a practice, not a quick fix.  This is serious, in a fun, not so serious kind of way.  So.  I wanted to address this BIG subject today, from the start.  This is something I'm sure we'll talk about again and again. 

EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY!  It really is.  Just look at your life in timeline form.  Things have changed.  You have changed.  The people around you have changed.  Awesome.  Great.  Change is growth and you learn tons about yourself.  Sad times become happy times and vice versa.  You gain a little (or a lot), you lose a little (or everything).

Guess what though?  You cannot change him (or her.  This is relevant to any type of relationship)!  Don't EVER think about that when you start seeing someone, or are thinking about seeing someone.  Are you doing it right now?  Stop!  And you know what?  It's okay for a relationship to end.  They end all the time.  They are temporary things.  The state of a relationship between two people is constantly changing as you learn about each other, about yourself, and are honest with yourself about things.

The thing is, you never really know what will change about him.  So how do you make a decision? Imagine that he will always be the way he is (even if he is talking about the things he wants to change about himself).  Would you be happy?  If you can't be happy with him the way he is, then be real with yourself and know that you'll find someone who you are happy with as is.  You can only know how you feel right now anyway.  There is only now and the now is all you can really rely on.  I mean, it isn't fair to the other person if you have these crazy high expectations of change in a specific way that will make YOU happy.  And believing promises of change for the better in some future is very novel and romantic, but not realistic and won't make either of you happy.  Personality and habit change takes years, sometimes decades (or 60 years - love you daddy!).  Imagine if someone got into a relationship with you with the belief that you'd change the way you are and then all would be well.  You wouldn't be too happy about that right?

It's hard enough squeezing a tube of toothpaste differently for someone, let alone changing your personality for them.  You can change you.  That's about it.  So, if you have something about yourself that you want to change then do it.  Sometimes being with someone can inspire us to change things that we have wanted to change and that's great.

Back to the point here.  I got a bit caught up in my own words there.  You are the only stable person in your life.  Your choices to change yourself are in your control.  You've lived with yourself the longest.  Your presence in your life is the only unchanging part in an otherwise temporary world.  And if you're unhappy with your relationships right now, well then change that part of your life for the better.  Embrace your personal changes and remember that your state of being right now is temporary.

Hooking a guy has a whole lot to do with you.

Let's Start with the Body

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You've been told posture is important more times than you care to ever, ever, consider counting.  Your posture IS important. It needed to be said again.  If you're interested in what I have to say then listen to that.  Your mom may have told you that when you were an angst ridden teenager who enjoyed a good hunch in the shoulders and down-turned gaze, but guess what?  That posture, or anything resembling it, will not turn gazes your way.  I'm sure you've also heard about body language.  I'm sure you care about body language.  At least in others.  You make plenty of decisions about the people around you based on what their body positions say about them.  What does your body position say about you?  Are you even aware of it?  And what does your body do when you are approached by a charming man?  A sexy man?  A cute, sweet man?  Pay attention to your body.  If you can learn its signals and your habits you can speak loudly without uttering a word.  Puff your chest, or as we say in yoga, open your heart and bring your shoulders away from your ears, and tuck that tailbone!  Head over spine.  Now that is good posture.

I'll look uptight.  Not if you keep those shoulders down!  Then you just look confident.  I'll look like I'm trying to stick my butt out, not if you tuck your tailbone (work those lower abs!).  Then you'll just look strong.  Confident and strong sounds pretty sexy to me.

Posture alone can bring people to you without any initiation on your side.  Not a bad deal right?  Get more by doing less.  There is a bit of work involved at first, but it will do you and your body so much good in the long run anyway.  So what do you have to do?

1. Pay attention to your body.

Just be aware of it right now.  See what you do in different circumstances.  When you're scared, awkward, nervous, happy, confident, feeling sexy.  What's your body doing?

2. Fix your posture permanently.

The first couple weeks may suck a bit, but that's because your muscles aren't used to holding you a certain way.  Actively sit straight just like I described above.  Shoulders down and back and tuck the tailbone, pulling in right beneath your belly button.  Every time you remember, hold this posture for as long as you can, even if your back doesn't like it.  It just needs to strengthen.

3. Do it standing.

Follow the above instructions for standing.  A quick way to get to good posture: sit on the floor with your legs straight out in front of you.  Try to get your back as straight and tall as possible with your shoulders away from the ears and pull you shoulder blades together behind you.  Hold this as long as you can.  This will strengthen the right muscles quickly.

4. What are your hands doing?

Do you tend to cross your arms in front of you?  Wrap one arm around your chest or waist out of insecurity?  That's what it screams to people.  Put your hands and arms down.  Protective stances like those do not invite attention or make people feel welcomed.  Relaxed and open is how you want to look and feel.  If you practice an open friendly posture, you will feel more comfortable too.  See what you do with people you're truly comfortable with and mimic this in other social circumstances.  Notice the reactions of the people you're talking to.

Now GO!  Practice!  Make your body speak for you!

The First Post

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Not even 5 minutes ago I was gifted chocolate from a very sexy German man at a random restaurant in downtown Chicago.  Why?  I could argue that he was giving some to everyone, but I looked around and that was not the case.  There were other possible reasons why he might have decided to give me this "Special New Years Chocolate," but in the end, I gave the credit to myself.  I sound cocky don't I, or just honest?  Is that so terrible?

If you met me in real life you'd see pretty quickly that I don't think I'm anything spectacular.  I'm no model, I don't wear makeup often, and I'm definitely not wearing the latest styles.  I'm critical about my body, had to learn to love myself, and am a self-professed lady-geek.  But I've had the above circumstance happen to me enough times in so many different circumstances that I decided to pay attention and share what I've learned.  

My dear roommate Sarah has also been pushing me to write a book about how to get a guy to commit because it seems to come way too naturally for me.  And, it seems, most young women have trouble getting men to want to start a relationship, let alone stay in one and value it as a potential marriage.  And yet here I am, galavanting through life finding these guys who are ready to move across countries, drop the love word asap, buy me sexy dresses and jewlery, father my children, and any other number of lovely things that most women dream of.  Why?  That's what we're going to figure out.  Together.